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A state of utter confussion

Blah! Yep, that sums up how i feel.

Where to start? well, first of all in amongst all this bullshit that is called "the recession" I lost my job..... poof..... gone. Now with no work out there and i wanna no how the hell im meant to support myself without crawling back to th DSS and claiming benefits. Its CRAP!! I feel completely useless. Which brings me on to my next moan.... TONY!! Hes right, im not gonna find the answers i want by lookin in the bottom of a bottle and then calling him up abusing him. BUT in my defence, to say im feeling insecure is an understatement. I dont do the whole woe is me thing normally, dude, the harder i fall the bigger i get back up but this lot has truely knocked my confidence. Now im unemployed and shit scared that im gonna lose someone that i do truly have strong feelings for, yes its the L word. I know i was a complete tosser to him last night and telling him that i wanted a kid (after 5 months) and to settle down was hugely on the extreme. BUT what i didnt say was i wanted the world this instant. Now after all the abuse and shit i hurled at him last night i have the check to ask if we can go back and be normal, like it was before, all fun and laughs. Except, even i no it wont be like that cuz the drunken devil is gonna be there, sitting over us like a fuckin thunder cloud on your kids garden birthday party. I want us to be cool, i really do BUT with all this shit not working and me feeling like a big pile of poo im gonna have my work cut out, right? MEH


The dateing thing....

Ok so being bored one night (this was a while back before i discovered facebook) and also newly single (or in between men as my mother puts it) i decided to sign up to a free dating site... for a laugh if nothing more. Anyway after a few odd request ie did i spank? would i dress as a baby and let a guy breastfeed me? i had a genuine guy pop up on IM. We chatted for a while and then swapped emails.... blah blah blah we met, got engaged and then split after 18 months. Was i upset? Nope i just reactivated my account and started again..... so here i am now, met a guy, get on great, or so i thought.... out of sheer curosity i logged in, tapped in his name and he popped up. Let me just clear this up, i never asked him to delete it but we were meant to be exclusive (his words) but not only was he still on there, he had completely changed his profile, broadening what he was looking for etc

I guess it makes me question how much truth is there in the whole "find your soulmate at www.getadate.com (not actual site) and are there really any genuine men out there after more than just a quick jump? Or is it just a good way for men to whack a notch on there bedpost? More to the point, do women ever believe the stuff the guys on there say?

Was i reading to much into him changing his profile? If i ask him will i get the truth?

Am i just as bad for still being on there? So many questions so little answers

New Year Mayhem

Ok so its the 2nd of jan and im still piecing together the events of new year... some things are as clear as day and others BLANK.... That will be the insane amount of vodka i drank.

No one is speaking to me and i only have bits of the night to work out why!

Mum... in a piss cuz i snogged rob, fancied the ass off him for getting on 4 years, amazed everyone so shocked really, i normally move in a lot quicker than that lol

Ex Hubby... Hmmm, yeah ok so i told him i want him back, he knows its the truth, he just wont deal with it

Lee... Now thats the puzzler, i didnt speak to him so dunno why he in a mood with me but hes blanking me at every corner and it hurts.

Everyone else? PASS

Answers on a post card please lol


Missing special people

It was 9 years ago yesterday that my nan died, 9 long years, 3278 days to be exact, doesnt mean the memories have faded...

It was a normal saturday, off to the grandparents for the day armed with dolly emz (shes 28 now and i still have her) and her battered orange and brown pram (dont laugh it was the fashion when i was a kid) the average saturday involved a trek to the shops with my nan and emz. My nan was in her long brown skirt and blue and white knitted jumper, oddly enough i cant remember what i was wearing. Anyway, we were on our way back and the skies just opened, not just rain but GIANT hailstones... i can remember my nan grabbing me under one arm and dolly emz complete with pram under the other.... must have been a hell of a sight.

Then there was the door slamming as i hit my teens and the bribes of chocolate when mum wasnt looking.... bless her. Gutted my sisters never got a chance to know her.

My grandad died not long after, gone were doing the crosswords in the paper, the storys and the 50p pocket money.

Even to this day i walk into their house and expect them to be there, nan in her chair watching TV thru a digestive (dont ask lol) and gramps in the frontroom leaning on the brown ottaman chewing a pencil muzzing over that days coffee time quickee. All we used to hear on the evening was "ark" if me and my cousin were making too much noise and he was trying to watch dads army, i wanted it put on his plaque at the cemetary, oddly enough im the only one that found it funny!

Makes you think really, most people no what its like to lose someone close but if you could talk to them now what would you say?  Would you have said good-bye? I never did and thats something that has troubled me for many years, too late now.

Have you ever tried to imagine what the world will be like after you have gone? Its hard, i like to think that i would have made a difference to someones life by then and that i will be remembered for more than being a relative of some variety. But again i guess that is something that we will never no.

All i really no is that no matter how much losing that special someone hurts the pain doesnt ever go away, it just becomes easier to deal with. Just because they arent on your mind 24/7 doesnt mean that you have forgotten them and you shouldnt feel guilty.

Memories last longer than photographs


Are we to attached to mobiles?

Well it had to be the one day i had off, some bright spark suggested that i spent it doing something productive and that maybe the flat could do with a clean (yeah yeah im one messy bitch) So on went the tunes, as loud as i could manage without blowing my own ear drums and then armed with black bags, rubber gloves and my MOBILE i got to work. After a shakey start i got into the swing of things and was doing quite well then "PLOP".... my whole life flashed before my eyes, there it was, my mobile, my poor poor mobile, my extra limb, the link to life itself, just bobbing around before slipping to the bottom of the sink! ARGHHHHH!!! Anyway, most people know that if you take it apart it dries so thats what i did, checking for signs of life every 5 minutes each time getting more and more aggitated.... what the hell was i going to do without my phone????? How was i going to contact the outside world? Did the chinese down the road have an email address? How was i going to no where to meet that fit irish guy i had recently begun dating? CRAP!!!! So after muc shaking and drying and tears a flicker of life, just need to enter pin and sanity is mine.... wrong... the buttons jammed... call SOS? Oh my god it keeps ringing the police, not a good thing!! I thought i was going to die, no phone, no contacts!

After far too much hassle i managed to contact the relivent people thru facebook and my night out was organised, shit how was i going to phone for a taxi? How am i meant to let them no i was on my way? Being quite the resourceful one all was arranged, quick email to a mate and taxi was booked, the rest i was leaving to fate. Dear god please let luck be on my side. Being stranded alone in town looking like a barbie doll was not on the top of my priority list!

Being in town without a mobile is the oddest of feelings. I had no concept of time, i never had to keep checking for mesaages and missed calls and i had no camera to capture those silly moments that happen when everyone had far too much to drink and you no what? I LOVED it!! Had no worries on losing the damn thing either, thats my biggest worry EVER! Some of the messages i have on there could make a whores toes curl and for that to be read by a complete stranger would be just wrong!

Did this feeling last? NO! I was still up at 8am putting my mobile back together with the smallest hope that it would work.... fingers crossed, on button pushed, enter pin, was it going to call 999 for me? nerves shot.... 2 minutes later.... BUZZZZ.... then BUZZZZ a sign of life from my mobile. wooooooot... i was back in touch with the real world!!!

As for the housework, the cleaner starts tomorrow, far too many risks involved for me!

Could you imagine not having your moile? Do you rely on it too much? YES, everyone does, even down to that 10 year old boy down the road and the 76 year old lady that cant work the VCR but can knock out 50 texts an hour. Gone are the days of pen and paper.... Technology is the only way



Kinda figured it would be useful if i added an entry so here it is.............. TA DAAAAAAAA
Clever aint i?? (think that sexy sam will be impressed??)

OK so wat else can i put? The interview was pretty tragic, long n boring and tbch pointless... but hey thats just me having a moan.

Wat else can i complain about? My Job? yeah sounds good, ok so its crap (hence y im looking for other jobs init) Used to really enjoy it but now its taking its toll, BIG time. Feel really under valued and get loads of the shit dumped on me and if any one else fucks up or pisses the boss off, guess who gets the blame? Yep me! Fair? I think not!!

My love life, no surprise really, that sucks too... Being single has its upsides but thinking it has more down sides, like whos gonna kill that big ass spider climbing up my bedroom wall? Ya no the one that u darent sleep incase it drops, falls into your mouth n spends an eternity living inside ur insides! Then theres that shelf that has been waiting for soo long, the dodgy light switch (the one that the ex nearly electricuted himself on before telling me he was colour blind.... Dumbass) The bathroom needs re tileing, the hallway needs painting, screw the bf bit, get me a decorator, builder n electrician... all at the same time, i aint greedy :) Would think that after 4 months i would be missing sex, wrong, i get plenty, just a shame its mainly in my head or with the help of platinum bunny... wat i miss is the hugs, oh yeah, you no the kind that make you feel warm n fuzzy inside? That kind.... mmmmmm.

Moving swiftly on, you no, i have sooo much to do today (plus a shitty shift to work STUDENT HELL) but i really cant be arsed. Does that make me lazy? No, it means that im in denile, hopeing that them fairys will break in and give the place a proper once over... yeah i think i been sniffing that fairy dust too.

Back to men, toy boys, should they be avoided? Is age really that important? Maybe if there cheese or whisky but then isnt the older the better? Unless your cheese is green n manky!! What do you think? Not looking promising is it?

Anywhooo i think i been waffling far too long, gonna have a full on moan laters too

C ya xx